by Nicholas Tristan, Features Editor
Beer. The drink of champions, the malt-based beverage of kings. Sure, every hipster today riding a unicycle and wearing an ironic cardigan from Japan think they know beer, but do they really? We’ve checked in with registered beer experts to give our dear readers the scoop on the hoppy beverage they love!
1. A Wizard’s Curse Only Enhances Your Beer Enjoyment
Think being cursed by the local wizard, warlock, or shaman means you aren’t gonna be able to treat yourself to a cold one? Think again, you massive knob! Scientists from the University of Minnesota have conclusively proven that a magical curse can actually enhance your enjoyment of alcoholic beverages, and that includes beer!
“It may seem counterintuitive, but beer can be tastier after a wizard curses you and your entire family,” says U of M researcher Patrick McCoy, “You may experience all manner of paranormal horrors under the curse, but from Budweiser to Stone Brewery: all beer will taste better.”
Wow, good to know! Bring on the curses from the hell beings!
2. So-Called “Wheat Beer” Doesn’t Contain Wheat At All!
This one really surprised us! While everyone loves wheat, the delicious golden grain that grows freely through the great plains of the United States and Canada, it’s nowhere to be found in “wheat beer”. What gives?
For this one, we checked in with plant biologist Dr. Irving Goldman: “Wheat beers are so-named for their golden colour, and our culture’s association between wheat and wholesome goodness. There is absolutely no wheat in wheat beers.”
Turns out wheat beers are made with the normal malt and hops, but then have “mashed gerbil meal” added to give them their signature taste. Color us surprised!
3. Beer Is The Devil’s Drink
We all know The Devil, and his many names: Satan, Mephisto, Beelzebub, The Adversary, The Son of the Morning. And while he’s a colorful character who pops up in everything from Rosemary’s Baby to South Park, we didn’t know that he loves to sit down with a tall frosty mug of the good stuff!
Reverend Dallas Blake, a pastor at the Church of the Immaculate in Rosewood, South Carolina, told us that while the devil enjoys many drinks, “at the end of the day, all Satan really cares about is a big glass of beer. His favorite brands include Stella Artois and the Canadian beer Moosehead.”
Wow! Bet the Canadian beer industry liked that endorsement, huh? Nice to hear a shout-out for our beer industry from one of the greats!
4. Beer Is Illegal
Don’t be fooled -- the cops can bust you at any time for drinking this sweet nectar. Be careful, and remember: friends don’t snitch on friends for drinking beer.
5. Beer Can Blind You If You Drink It During The Summer Solstice
Don’t get me wrong -- drinking during the summer solstice is a great tradition that shouldn’t be messed with. But make sure you’re drinking honey mead, or some form of grog, instead of beer. According to the head of Pagan Studies at the University of York in England, Edmund Reese, “Beer offends the faeries. And when the faeries are offended, they go straight for blinding.”
Wow! Blinding. Best to keep with the holiday favorites, eh? It’s good to keep the faeries on your good side, because in addition to keeping the precious gift of sight you’ll also be able to steal their wings and make wishes on them. I know what I’m wishing for -- more beer!
6. The Man Who Comes In The Nighttimes Will Go For A Beer If You Ask Nicely Enough
We all know the man -- The Man Who Comes In The Nighttimes. He’s famous for his glowing eyes, his impossibly thin body, and his thin laugh. His long, spindly hands are terrifying, sure, but what if they were clasping a can of beer instead of your throat?
According to leading demonologists in the field, The Man Who Comes In The Nighttimes really just wants to hang. When you look as eldritch as he does, well, it’s hard to find buds. “If approached by The Man Who Comes In The Nighttimes, it’s important to not make eye contact first and foremost,” says Janice Hunt, demonologist, “but after that, feel free to ask if he wants to grab a beer at the local pub. Chances are, the hellish abomination will say yes and not feast on your entrails.”
Amazing -- the healing power of beer in action! Is there anything beer can’t do?